Toxic

Not to say Britney Spears is my favorite, but, one of her songs, Toxic, seemed fitting.
You're toxic
I'm slipping under
With a taste of poison paradise
I'm addicted to you
Don't you know that you're toxic

While she is singing about a guy that puts her under his spell, I am talking about toxic people. I read a blog about toxic people, and it said "Realize that until you stop allowing a toxic person to hurt you and your life, they will continue to do so." This is the truth. We all know those people. We have them in our life. They are the negative naysayers that never seem to be quite content with life unless others are miserable. They feed from negative energy, and give negative energy off. They drain others of happiness. "Remember that toxic people are extremely negative, nasty, miserable, whiny, jealous, inconsiderate, selfish, criminally minded, mentally ill, judgemental, evil, etc. The toxic individual exudes the dark side of human nature all of the time." Yet, we deal with them. We "put up" with their abuse. Why? That's a good question. I have found I have just learned to deal and tolerate the abuse. Sweep it under a rug, so to speak. I made excuses for them. Like, oh, she's just having a bad day, or she's under stress.

I did not want to face the truth: she found ways to bring me down and antagonize me. She made ME feel like I'd done something wrong. She was a little black rain cloud that followed me around, waiting for any opportunity to storm on me. She stressed me out! What would she say? What would she do? She haunted my thoughts and I always feared for expressing myself, as I wasn't sure what sort of mood she might be in that day. She was like a cobra waiting to strike. Facebook is a wonderful way to connect with others and stay in touch, yet, it has been a strong driving force behind distructing relationships. I am guilty of calling others out "publically" on my page. But, it is MY page, my place to say whatever the hell I want, regardless of the nature of my "Status". If you don't like what I have to say....HEY, here's a novel idea: DON'T READ IT! Simple! Yet that simple task isn't always possible to everyone. They can't resist the chance to start the drama. They feed from it; they crave it. In their own way, they want attention just as badly, but simply deflect their attitudes onto others to avoid seeming like they want it.

I have also found these people are really hurting somehow. They have pain for whatever reason, but they do not want to face themselves, so they detach from their feelings and lash out at others. I know I can be negative. We all have our days. More often than not, the feeling passes and we are back on track the next day. Toxic people are on the "I pretend not to give a shit" train, and happily toot their own horns on the way to the City of Miserable 24/7. I've also noticed when they lash out, their venomous comments are really only a reflection of what they are feeling. She calls me fat. Why? Because she was jealous I was skinny, she was fat. She lost a bunch of weight, and suddenly resentment. And now I'm fat (given I could stand to lose a few of these last stubborn baby pounds!), because she's skinny. Does that make sense? Nope. In fact, she would go out of her way to make me feel fat by constantly commenting on how thin she was, and how she cut out meat and carbs, and actually researched my height/weight ratio after I told her my BMI was fine for my size. She didn't believe me. I am fat, of course. And I eat meat and carbs. Sigh, I am just an awful person, aren't I? Meanwhile, her anorexic diet consisted of energy drinks and refined sugars. Healthy.

After 6 years, I had finally had it! She felt the need to inform me that my "constant" posts on Facebook about me being tired, and a single mom, and complaining my child is an asshole (I don't think I ever posted THAT!) are pathetic and boring. Why did she feel the need to do that? It's my page, so how does that affect her? She couldn't resist. She HAD to comment. Why would one's so called best friend say such hurtful, offensive things ON PURPOSE? That was the straw that broke the camel's back. Timid, shy, and scared Julie went bye bye. Out came the strong, I don't need this shit Julie. Why did I deal with it? She had me under her thumb, and I let her do it. I finally let my inner bitch out and nipped it in the bud. I think she was ultimately shocked that I actually stood up for myself. With that, the mean reaction and stinging ensued. Name calling, hurtful comments, false observations. I didn't respond. Until after she blasted me, I pulled out all of the cards and hit her where it hurt. I got down and dirty. She should be proud, she taught me!

I questioned myself. Was this the right decision? Afterall, she'd been my best friend for 6 years and was there for me for some hard times I went through and some milestones in my life. I felt sick. I just pulled the plug on our "relationship." We were really close. But, 100% complete opposites. Every day since then, I've felt better and more certain of the choice I made. There is a grief period, that's normal. But I feel lighter every day now that I don't have to bear the weight of constantly wondering when she would strike again. Did I hurt her? Probably. Do I regret it? A little bit. With time, it will fade. Every person enters and exits your life for a reason. They serve a purpose at some point. So, thanks to her for helping me through my tough times. I need to open a new chapter in my life, and only I can do that.

I will leave you with words from the toxic person blog:
You have the power to walk away from a toxic person and not allow them into your life anymore. Freedom is a wonderful and liberating experience. Realize that toxic people can drain your health, energy, well being and sanity. It helps to move away from toxic people and move towards people who are positive and uplifting. Positive people are a blessing.

Thank you and hugs to my positive people!

Also, if you know a toxic person, this website might be helpful. It made me feel less guilty and more sane. http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art39146.asp