Wow, it truly has been a long time since I’ve posted. Chalk it up to being a busy, single mom, trying to raise a very bright, funny, and loving daughter, working, and trying like hell to keep a manageable work/life balance. It. Is. Not. Easy. Being an adult. Is. Not. Easy. Remember when all you wanted as a kid was to grow up and have no rules, be able to drive, have a job, party all night and sleep all day? Yeah, that’s a bunch of bullshit. There is really no preparation or training for adulthood, regardless of how informed and prepared you think you might be. All of the literature, information, tests, books, classes, or groups you can join….you will never be fully prepared! You can try but life throws curve-balls. It presents situations for which you never thought you’d encounter. Or things you’d never thought you’d say, like, “Stop licking my knee and my salt lamp!” or, “I am pretty sure farts existed when I was little; I’m not THAT old”, “Yes, I am SO excited for my new steam cleaner and vacuum! Yes! What can I clean?!,” “I can write that off on my taxes, right?”
I have had a rough year. Well, a rough couple of years. I’ve been up and down, around the bend, dropped, and picked up. I have cried probably to the point where I didn’t think I could produce any more tears. Yelled to the point of a sore throat or voice loss. Stayed up on sleepless nights, pondering everything from the time I stole $5 from my dad’s wallet (sorry, dad), over salting the Brussels sprouts at a family gathering, a new chicken recipe (trust me; I have chickens in some form…dancing, alive, dead, cooked, neon, chasing me, etc….in probably 80% of my dreams), how I could be messing up my daughter’s life, how a conversation could have gone if I said something differently, how I wasted so much of my life on either being selfish or trying to please others, thinking about plot holes in a movie or show I just watched. You get my point. My mind will not shut up or slow down often.
I was recently let go from my job; a horrifying experience to go through as a single 37 year old mom, with a mortgage, bills, unexpected house or car repairs, random medical bills. Life has thrown down the gauntlet and thrown a huge dodge ball in my face. I felt sorry for myself. Sometimes I still do. I think that’s okay and allowed. I also realized that I make more of an impact on people than I thought. I used to think I was worthless and of very little value. After I was let go from my job, I had dozens of people reach out to check in to see if I was okay or if they could help me. I had former co-workers and friends from all walks of life tell me I made them laugh and they miss my presence. I am funny – I’ll give that one to myself. Haha. I also had so many people reach out and comfort me when I had to put my 16 year old cat, Tango, down. Cards, notes, candy, flowers, cookies, calls and texts. They could feel my pain. I realized while they were upset I had to put her down, they were TRULY concerned and cared for what I was going through, not just the fact I just lost my best friend. At that point, I started doing some “emotional inventory” and grasped the concept that people care. They care about ME. I didn’t allow myself to let the walls down and let people into my life. Defense mechanism, I suppose.
So, in the venture for a new job (yes, I have been applying like crazy and had some pretty good interviews), I am trying not to totally freak out. I still have more in my life than most. Does it suck? Yes. Absolutely. Will it last forever? No. I sort of went down the Rabbit Hole as I usually do when I get traumatic news. I can’t help it; it’s how I deal with things at first. So If I seem shut off, just give me some time and space. I wanted to put out into the Universe that while I don’t understand the order or reason for things, I must have faith and trust that I’ll end up where I need to be. I have to. I am a believer in signs and I’ve had some pretty strong ones lately. For those of you who have always been there, have come back into my life, been recently introduced into my life, and those I will meet in the future….thank you. Thank you. Gracias. And know it means so much to me, I appreciate and love all of you, and I will be here for you too.
