Elevator Etiquette

We've all been there. Crammed in an elevator with 13 other totally random strangers. And I'm not talking about the cushy elevator in Nordstrom taking you up a floor. I mean a public building (like a court house, for example)where the mix of people, noises, and smells all blend together. The lobby with the bank of elevators is crammed full. You have lawyers, police officers, sketchy folks, and the lot. Then, DING! An elevator arrives. You get shoved in like you are in a cattle shoot, and squashed into the back of the elevator. You ask someone to push your floor number and the door closes. Then, you are stuck with these "elevator people" for 30 seconds to a few minutes. Awkward. Silent. Yet, there must be a standard elevator manual, because as different as people are, there always seems to be the same offenders.

There is always the little old lady that has sprayed ENTIRELY too much perfume, or the little old guy that was much too liberal with his Brut aftershave.

There is always someone that has a stench of BO, either faint or like they poured a bottle of Cumin all over themselves that morning.

There is the person with NO sense of personal space, standing entirely too close for comfort.

There is that one person that has some infectious cough or is sneezing their germs into a tight space.

There is that lady practically travelling with her entire set of luggage. Purse, laptop case, shoulder bag, lunch bag, and a blanket.

There is that person that can't seem to figure out the buttons in the elevator, or what floor he needs to be on, or how to work the "close door" button.

The person that needs to get off first is always crammed in the back.

There is that person that hums. Always humming. All the time.

There is that person that can't stand the silence and cracks a joke or makes a witty observation. Yes, that person is usually me!

You pile in, stand facing forward with such a serious look on your face. Your trip beings. Up 11 floors, down 4. Silence. Throat clear. Cough. Oh coughing! He's going to infect the entire group!! What's that smell? Did someone fart? Oh dear, this woman must have halitosis! I can't see straight with her dragon breath stinging my nostrils. I smell spearmint gum. Maybe someone should offer her a piece! Who just stepped on my foot? Hey, guy with no sense of personal space...BACK UP. Your elbow is touching mine. Ok, floor 6...tall dude in the back with too much hair gel has to get out now. Rearrange. Only 5 floors left! Is that guy REALLY on his cell phone right now? No, I don't really care about last night's excursion, thank you. Still going....silence, cough, sniffle, sigh. Then me, cracking a joke of the awkwardness of it all. DING! Floor 11. Oh Thank GOD! I'm out!! See you later, elevator people!